when i paint i have to have background. i used to paint to music but i was so used to having people around me... music just doesn't do it for me.
call it conditioning. i guess it started in art class. you have this big ass room in the art building. we would have the radio on. the class would be there. even when i would go paint after hours, there would still be someone there or i would have someone accompany me.
when i was teaching, i always had kids going in and out of my room. i never locked my classroom for lunch, unless i went to the cafeteria. but most times i wouldn't keep kids in there, unless it was club activities. i would just leave it open, have my radio on and draw. i could look out the window and see the kids in the yard. sometimes they would come in and visit "Ms. Brad.". and ask questions about Anime and why grownups treat them like kids.... anything but art.
i do miss teaching. i feel so out of my league here. but that's another story.
when i moved here i would draw in bursts. usually with Caroline and for Caroline. then i stopped.
and it got awful quiet. i don't know if it was quiet because i was lonely or lonely because of all of the quiet.
i felt a looming anxiousness festering in my brain. i was panicking more and more. i felt like i wanted to break out and free and away.
one day, i was looking trough my comp discs. i had dozens of them. i had emptied out my hard drive and saved them. i went through this whole cleaning out thing where i just wanted everything in order. i had been spaced out and running on auto pilot for so long i had felt like i needed to know... to catch up... with what has been up with me for so long. i know i downloaded all my pics and files to these little discs. i just didn't remember what was on them and why there were so many. i just remember Dann saying he was good at fixing computers. somehow i doubted that. i cleaned everything out so he would not lose them. them i put them away.
but i picked up a few discs i labeled "MonaArt" and found two scans. "two?!?" i though. i was either lazy or there were really big. i clicked on one that said "Angelus6" and found bursts of pink and magenta. sweeping lines and curves. that scan was so huge i tried to reduce but found my self amazed at how well the execution was. this was mine? i did this?
this is only a sketch?
damn.... i was pretty good!
amazing what new eyes you gain after time and distance.
i quickly looked through the other discs. i had forgotten that i had a whole series. i copied some and made a trip to Hobby Lobby for some watercolor paper. i had forgotten the variety. i looked at the choices, the press, waft and grade. i remembered i used water color block. they only had small. my desire was for something bigger and grander. i went over to the paint. the colors were overwhelming. i found myself salivating.
you can laugh, but its amazing what a lack of stimulus can do. it was not just a reintroduction into my former life. it was more of a reawakening. and my brain was hungry.
i opted to order online. i had remembered my favorite watercolors were Russian pans and ordered the block that i liked from Dick Blick. they came in a weeks time and my drawings were ready to be transcribed. i my searches i had also found a sketchbook i kept in UOG. it was a small hardbound i rarely used. it had notes from ceramic class. it also has figures that i drew lazily when i was in a rut.
oh how those little points of electricity feel when the ideas connect.
and so i painted.
it was a great way to get reacquainted with myself. the nerves and anxiousness... anxiety and panic had melted away. it was also a great way of avoiding the great white elephant in the room. it was painfully obvious that Dann and i were not supposed to be together. the synapse weren't connecting. the conversations were dry and short. there was nothing intimate and the smallest of contact was either pally pat on the back or spot of tension. the laughing was forced and responses contrite. we didn't even look at each other.
painfully obvious... at least, to me it was.
there isn't anyone in the house anymore. the radio didn't do it for me. the sounds an the emoting was there but i missed the people... or at least feeling like i wasn't alone. so i put on Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. they keep good company.
sure i can paint when the monkey is home but i'm not trying to avoid him, now am i?
now if i can just finish this damn mailbox. oh well. at least Harry and i can keep each other company through the fray.
call it conditioning. i guess it started in art class. you have this big ass room in the art building. we would have the radio on. the class would be there. even when i would go paint after hours, there would still be someone there or i would have someone accompany me.
when i was teaching, i always had kids going in and out of my room. i never locked my classroom for lunch, unless i went to the cafeteria. but most times i wouldn't keep kids in there, unless it was club activities. i would just leave it open, have my radio on and draw. i could look out the window and see the kids in the yard. sometimes they would come in and visit "Ms. Brad.". and ask questions about Anime and why grownups treat them like kids.... anything but art.
i do miss teaching. i feel so out of my league here. but that's another story.
when i moved here i would draw in bursts. usually with Caroline and for Caroline. then i stopped.
and it got awful quiet. i don't know if it was quiet because i was lonely or lonely because of all of the quiet.
i felt a looming anxiousness festering in my brain. i was panicking more and more. i felt like i wanted to break out and free and away.
one day, i was looking trough my comp discs. i had dozens of them. i had emptied out my hard drive and saved them. i went through this whole cleaning out thing where i just wanted everything in order. i had been spaced out and running on auto pilot for so long i had felt like i needed to know... to catch up... with what has been up with me for so long. i know i downloaded all my pics and files to these little discs. i just didn't remember what was on them and why there were so many. i just remember Dann saying he was good at fixing computers. somehow i doubted that. i cleaned everything out so he would not lose them. them i put them away.
but i picked up a few discs i labeled "MonaArt" and found two scans. "two?!?" i though. i was either lazy or there were really big. i clicked on one that said "Angelus6" and found bursts of pink and magenta. sweeping lines and curves. that scan was so huge i tried to reduce but found my self amazed at how well the execution was. this was mine? i did this?
this is only a sketch?
damn.... i was pretty good!
amazing what new eyes you gain after time and distance.
i quickly looked through the other discs. i had forgotten that i had a whole series. i copied some and made a trip to Hobby Lobby for some watercolor paper. i had forgotten the variety. i looked at the choices, the press, waft and grade. i remembered i used water color block. they only had small. my desire was for something bigger and grander. i went over to the paint. the colors were overwhelming. i found myself salivating.
you can laugh, but its amazing what a lack of stimulus can do. it was not just a reintroduction into my former life. it was more of a reawakening. and my brain was hungry.
i opted to order online. i had remembered my favorite watercolors were Russian pans and ordered the block that i liked from Dick Blick. they came in a weeks time and my drawings were ready to be transcribed. i my searches i had also found a sketchbook i kept in UOG. it was a small hardbound i rarely used. it had notes from ceramic class. it also has figures that i drew lazily when i was in a rut.
oh how those little points of electricity feel when the ideas connect.
and so i painted.
it was a great way to get reacquainted with myself. the nerves and anxiousness... anxiety and panic had melted away. it was also a great way of avoiding the great white elephant in the room. it was painfully obvious that Dann and i were not supposed to be together. the synapse weren't connecting. the conversations were dry and short. there was nothing intimate and the smallest of contact was either pally pat on the back or spot of tension. the laughing was forced and responses contrite. we didn't even look at each other.
painfully obvious... at least, to me it was.
there isn't anyone in the house anymore. the radio didn't do it for me. the sounds an the emoting was there but i missed the people... or at least feeling like i wasn't alone. so i put on Harry Potter, or Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. they keep good company.
sure i can paint when the monkey is home but i'm not trying to avoid him, now am i?
now if i can just finish this damn mailbox. oh well. at least Harry and i can keep each other company through the fray.
1 comment:
Post a Comment